Cincinnati Disc Golf Blog

Gunnarsson takes crown at Bobcat Goldthwaite Memorial

2007-04-22T04:10:00.000-07:00

Gunnar Gunnarsson was on fire from the outset Saturday, sweeping to a dominating victory in the Thirtieth Annual Bobcat Goldthwaite Memorial Tournament and Bridal Show. Consistently laying up well for birdies -- and making no major mistakes -- turned out to be Gunnarsson's winning gameplan.

A controversial moment occurred after the match when Timmer and Ross offered congratulations to the victor. Observers told Fox News that when the pair, stating "good match," attempted to shake hands with Gunnarsson, he pulled his hand away, saying, "I wish I could say the same. B*tches."

The Commissioner's office was unavailable for comment at press time.

Gunnarsson picked up a check for $282,000 and a 17-foot Ski Nautique premium Ski Boat.

-11 Gunnarsson
- 5 Ross
+ 0 Timmer

Ross demolishes Timmer in 2007 season opener

2007-03-11T16:38:00.000-07:00

In an upset of monumental proportions, 2006 GLNRSTDGA champion Warren Timmer fell to Ross by 12 strokes in the 2007 season opener at Harbin Park. Ross' victory at the Sam Kinison Memorial Disc Golf and Beer Pong Tournament set several records.

Playing the back nine first, Ross opened up a twelve stroke lead, -7 to +5. The lead varied little over the last nine, as Timmer composed himself to finish -2 over that span. The critical sequence were a pair of back-to-back double bogies that sent Timmer into an apoplectic frenzy of shouts, curses, and burning discs.

For his efforts, Ross took home a check for $330,000 and a 2008 Ferrari Spyder. Timmer collected $183 and a coupon for a free car wash at Car Wash Plus.

-9 Ross
+3 Timmer

Timmer pimp-slaps competition after long lay-off

2006-12-02T15:19:00.000-08:00

Warren Timmer shook off the rust on Saturday, sweeping to an impressive four-stroke win at Harbin Park. The prestigious Rick's Yellow Grease Invitational pitted the three Cincinnati stalwarts against one another in brisk conditions: 36 degrees with absolutely no breeze whatsoever.

"It's hardly any competition at all, to be frank. It's a man versus boys," said Timmer during a clubhouse interview, "I really think that my retirement will only help improve the competition because, quite frankly, it's boring." Suppressing a yawn, he went on to compliment the beverage girls, the landscapers, and the marketing collateral associated with the tournament.

-9 Timmer
-5 Gunnarsson
-3 Ross

Latest scores from GLNRSTDGA tour

2006-10-15T15:09:00.000-07:00

15 October 2006 OFFICIAL RESULTS
-8 Gunnarsson
-2 Timmer
+0 Ross

8 October 2006 OFFICIAL RESULTS
-11 Timmer
-8 Ross

1 October 2006 OFFICIAL RESULTS
-4 Levinson
-3 Ross

24 September 2006 OFFICIAL RESULTS
-12 Timmer
-6 Ross

17 September 2006 OFFICIAL RESULTS
-9 Timmer
-7 Gunnarsson
-2 Ross

16 September 2006 OFFICIAL RESULTS
-11 Timmer
-2 Ross

10 September 2006 OFFICIAL RESULTS
-8 Timmer
-7 Gunnarsson
-7 Ross

09 September 2006 OFFICIAL RESULTS
-7 Timmer
-4 Ross

03 September 2006 OFFICIAL RESULTS
-8 Timmer
-2 Gunnarsson
-2 Ross

T for Vendetta

2006-09-03T13:58:00.000-07:00

Warren Timmer dominated the front nine to sweep to a satisfying win and reclaim the leadership spot in the GLNRSTDGA tour. The ninth annual Liquid Carpet™ Pourable Floor Covering Invitational saw a crowd of well over 5,000 spectators.

After the match, Timmer spoke like a biblical prophet, speaking in the third person:

"Vengeance is mine, sayeth Timmer."

-12 Timmer
-4 Ross

"The era of Warren Timmer has drawn to a close"

2006-09-02T13:51:00.000-07:00

In his best baritone, movie announcer voice, Ross spoke to the press after the Ninth Annual Ralph Macchio Invitational.

"Only in a world of disappointing athletes and fallen heroes, would this tale ring so true. In a park that time forgot... during a once-in-a-century "perfect" storm... would a lad who made good on a long-ago promise to his father, bring down the unbeaten 2006 disc golf champion!

...I claim this land in the name of the King! Oops, sorry, wrong movie...

The era of Warren Timmer has drawn to a close."

In a surprising upset, Ross finally defeated the hobgoblins that had bedevilled him all year. Or perhaps it was demons who had bedevilled him. Nonetheless, from the first hole to the last, he led -- sometimes by as many as three strokes -- and finally clinched the victory with a par on 18.

For his efforts, he claimed a $453,000 check and a 2007 Maserati Spyder. Timmer cashed in with $18,620 and a $50 gift certificate from Starbucks.

-8 Ross
-7 Timmer

Third annual Torro Turf-Leveler™ Home Flamethrower Invitational

2006-08-26T13:38:00.000-07:00

Timmer dominated from start to finish in the third annual Torro Turf-Leveler™ Home Flamethrower invitational (Remember - nothing cleans up troublesome weeds and brush like a Torro Turf-Leveler!).

-8 Timmer
-1 Gunnarsson
-1 Ross

Results from Art Schichter Disc Golf and Poker Invitational

2006-08-23T18:18:00.000-07:00

Ross approached the seventh tee carrying a -4 score and a five stroke lead. His subsequent meltdown -- virtually unparalleled in tournament history -- saw his game unravel faster than a ball of twine hurled out of the space shuttle.

The first problem was a par on 8, when a short birdie putt went awry. The second problem was 9, where a long birdie putt turned into a bogie. A series of bogies over the back nine doomed Ross. The southpaw Gunnarsson took full advantage of the back nine's preference for left-to-right shots.

Gunnarsson collected $84,216 and an IOU from Schichter while Ross earned $142.17 and a "lifetime of free parking" pass at the Cincinnati Gardens.

-5 Gunnarsson
+0 Ross

Results from Maurice Clarett Invitational sponsored by Kevlar™

2006-08-12T14:22:00.000-07:00

The third annual Maurice Clarett Invitational sponsored by Kevlar™ took place Saturday at Harbin Park. Timmer took control from the outset, firing six birdies in a row to start the match.

Clarett, escorted by members of the U.S. Marshals Service, presented Timmer with a check for $78,200 and a Kevlar vest from Advanced Armour®. The second-place finisher, Ross, went home with $24,900 and 500 rounds of 9mm ammunition. Gunnarsson, in third, won $7,300 and a free handgun rental at TargetWorld.

Day 1
-11 Timmer
- 4 Ross
- 3 Gunnarsson

Charles Bronson Memorial Split-Day Tournament

2006-08-06T14:15:00.000-07:00

Warren Timmer broke away during Day 2's back nine action on a day that saw some spectacular drives and some equally appalling approach shots. After the match, Timmer was visited by professional golfer John Daly in his Gulfstream and the pair jetted off to Antigua with a case of Tequila, one thousand limes and four female "bodyguards".

Timmer's first-place check totaled $426,000. Second-place finisher Gunnarsson netted $119,000, while third-place Ross cashed out with $327.18.

Day 1
-10 Ross
-10 Timmer
+ 2 Levinson

Day 2
- 5 Timmer
- 2 Gunnarsson
- 1 Ross

Updated tournament results from July

2006-07-22T13:37:00.000-07:00

7/15/06 Kitty Kelley Invitational

Official Results
-10 Timmer
-6 Ross

7/8/06 Fess Parker Memorial and Machine-Gun Shoot

Official Results
-8 Timmer
-1 Ross
+0 Gunnarsson

7/1/06 Fantasy Island Tournament (Atlantis, the Bahamas) - a new record was established by Warren Timmer, though some controversy over his use of an illegal, performance-enhancing disc arose after the match. His new, 174-gram "Blade-Runner" -- made of composite materials -- has not yet been approved for tournament play by GLNRSTDGA.

Official Results
-15 Timmer
-13 Bonney

* News Flash * GLNRSTDGA Updates

2006-06-25T16:52:00.000-07:00

6/25/2006 Herbert Kornfeld Memorial
Eric Bonney erased the GLNRSTDGA record books with an impressive -13... even though he was coming off a 12-month layoff. In the process, he shattered Timmer's win streak like a fortune cookie after a bad Chinese meal. Bonney said after the match, "There's a new sheriff in town."

When asked specifically about Timmer, Bonney responded, "It's time someone put their foot down... and that foot is me."

Timmer was unavailable for comment.

Official Results
-13 Bonney
-11 Timmer
- 9 Ross
+ 2 Levinson
+ 4 Nadel

6/4/2006 Gary Coleman Classic
Trailing by two strokes, a startling 60-foot eagle by Ross on 18 sent the match to sudden death. The momentum shift wasn't enough to panic Timmer, however, who went on to win his 453rd straight match. The Gary Coleman Classic netted an $84,000 payday for Timmer.

Official Results
-4 -1 Timmer
-4 +0 Ross

5/30/2006 Kevin Federline Invitational

Official Results
-9 Timmer
-4 Ross
-3 Gunnarsson
+5 Levinson

Timmer runs his streak to -- s**t -- I've lost count

2006-05-28T06:58:00.000-07:00

Another day, another transcendant performance by future Hall-of-Famer Warren Timmer. Perfect weather conditions didn't help the threesome chasing Timmer. They befell the same fate as the others who faced the gauntlet over the past several months: bitter defeat.

Timmer said after the match that, "nothing gives me greater pleasure than crushing my enemies, seeing them driven before me, and hearing the lamentation of their women."

Official Standings - Harbin Park 05/27/2006
-9 Timmer
-5 Ross
-2 Gunnarsson
+4 Levinson

Timmer wins Sally Struthers Invitational

2006-05-22T19:00:00.000-07:00

Giggling over Ross' disastrous double-bogie on the par-three 15th hole, Warren Timmer rode inertia and a disc-golf-cart to yet another victory in the Sally Struthers Invitational.

His knee, which was wrapped in an Ace bandage after the match, had bothered him all day. But his awesome mind control powers had forced any negative thoughts out of focus.

Timmer commented, "Indubitably, my patella was a constant bother. Yet I was able to submerge any thought of pain or distress during the moments of greatest concentration. Thankfully, this talent is something I acquired in my years as a sheep-herder in Egypt. Patience. Discipline. Laser-like focus. That's all it takes to rule the disc golf world.

Now, where's Sally Struthers, b***hes? I needs my feets rubbed."

-7 Timmer
-6 Ross
+6 Nadel

Timmer wins record-setting, 3-way playoff

2006-05-21T05:29:00.000-07:00

It was a match highlighted by record-setting performances and Jeff Levinson's return from the Injured-Reserve List. Timmer had never before won a sudden-death match, losing four times to Gunnarsson and once to Ross. On 18, leading Gunnarsson and Ross by a single stroke, Timmer missed a short birdie putt. Gunnarsson converted a short birdie and Ross nailed an 18-footer to send the match to OT.

Most pundits figured Timmer would crumble like a stale cookie as he had so many times before. But, this time, they would be proven wrong. Timmer birdied 19 and Ross's par put him out of the running; but Gunnarsson converted an immense 20-foot birdie putt to send the match to another hole.

This time, it was Timmer's turn to shine. When both players were faced with mid-range birdie putts, Timmer converted his and Gunnarsson's rimmed out. At long last, Timmer could claim a sudden-death victory. He leaped into the air with arms extended, slapped a caddy on the butt, and began singing Irish war ballads from Braveheart.

Timmer's check was $126,000; Gunnarsson collected $57,000; Ross $29,800 and Levinson received $19,500.

Levinson, playing gingerly and conservatively, closed on a high note with a birdie on 18. Spectator Henrietta Winston of Rolling Hills, Kentucky cheered long and hard for Levinson, following him throughout the day. "He's set such an example for all of us and my hope is he will continue to work off the rust and get back to his form of last year."

-9 -1 -1 Timmer
-9 -1 +0 Gunnarsson
-9 +0 -- Ross
+5 -- -- Levinson

Yes, it's Timmer again

2006-05-07T14:58:00.000-07:00

Warren Timmer lost three strokes and his lead on the 8th hole Sunday to fall behind a charging Ross. Approaching the 8th, Timmer led -4 to -2. But a double bogie -- to Ross' birdie -- resulted in a quick turnabout that shocked the gallery and Timmer as well.

After Timmer picked up a stroke on 11, the pair remained tied until 14. There Timmer launched one of his finest drives ever, a spectacular left-to-right reverse-spinner that threaded the wooded swamp. Timmer converted the Eagle putt and Ross never seriously challenged thereafter.

Spectator Edna Mahoney of Xenia, Ohio, was cheering for both players during the final holes. She followed the pair from 16 onward, where Ross birdied the tough par-3 with a drive that came startlingly close to acehood. "I'm normally a member of Timmer's Troopers, but Ross was actually competitive today -- kind of a change-of-pace for him -- and I thought it was going to get tight on 18, when Timmer drove into the trees and then killed some worms with his second shot. Lo and Behold, he survived and pulled it off."

After the match, NBC announced a reality show in which Timmer will coach 16 amateur disc golfers. One player will be weeded out per week and the final surviving contestant will receive a 2007 GLNRSTDGA pro card. The show's tentative title is, "Timmerican Idol".

-9 Timmer
-6 Ross

Broken record: Timmer wins Hervé Villechaize Open

2006-04-30T17:16:00.000-07:00

Timmer again ralled over the back nine to escape with yet another victory in the Fourth Annual Hervé Villechaize Memorial. After the match, Ross claimed that Timmer had been using an illegal, performance-enhancing T-shirt.

"Check his shirt out! That's all I'm sayin'."

Timmer disc golf apparel, including the new UnderTimmer shirts in ladies and mens sizes, are available online at timmernut.com.

-9 Timmer
-5 Ross

Timmer wins Jean-Claude Van Damme Memorial

2006-04-23T16:10:00.000-07:00

Openly taunting his opponents while sweeping to another tour victory, Warren Timmer was fined $5,000 by GLNRSTDGA Commissioner Harvey P. Freen for unsportsmanlike conduct. Verbal harrassment and "nutting" an opposing player with a putter were both listed as formal reasons for the reprimand.

In the press conference following the match, Freen addressed reporters: "While we appreciate Mr. Timmer's disc golf skill and the cadre of fans known as 'Timmer's Troopers', we also must ensure the safety of all players and maintain the staid traditions of this sport. Over its glorious 600-year history, disc golf has never been as popular... nor as controversial. With stellar yet controversial personalities, we must carefully balance fan appeal with a respect for tradition and sportsmanship."

Timmer was not pleased with the fine and protested the reprimand. "These little bezatches always get all up in my grille after I dominate they a**es. Don't hate the playa, hate the game. S**t. Buncha crackas."

He then stomped off and boarded his Gulfstream before reporters could ask any questions.

-6 Timmer
+5 Ross
+7 Nadel

Timmer victorious in Lorenzo Lamas Invitational

2006-04-22T15:59:00.000-07:00

Grasping the Falcon Crest Trophy and a check for $75,000, Warren Timmer celebrated with champagne after a hard-fought victory in the sixth annual Lorenzo Lamas Invitational. Headed to 18, Timmer led Ross -4 to -2. From a distance of 30 feet, Ross went for the eagle putt, which sailed far left. He ended up with a catastrophic bogie.

The second place finishers split $55,000, so Ross and Gunnar Gunnarsson both cashed out with $27,500. Lamas was on hand -- dressed in apparel made famous by his huge television hit Bounty Hunter -- to hand out checks and personally present the trophy.

After the match, Lamas commented, "I've seen a lot of great athletes in my time: Angel Bravo, Sibby Sisti, Danny Schayes, and David Wells come to mind. But none match Warren Timmer in his prime. He's come back better than ever after his terrible knee injury and each weekend I can't wait to see highlights of the latest tournament on ESPN 8, the Ocho. Disc golf is really on its way to the mainstream with spectacular personalities like Timmer."

-4 Timmer
-1 Gunnarsson
-1 Ross

Gunnarsson victor in Corey Haim Memorial

2006-04-18T16:28:00.000-07:00

Tied at 4 under headed for 14, Gunnar Gunnarsson floored the gas pedal and accelerated to a solid four-stroke victory in the Corey Haim Memorial Tournament. The disc golf tourney, held annually, commemorates the acting immortal Corey Haim, who disappeared shortly after filming Dream a Little Dream 2 in 1995.

Over the last four holes, Gunnarsson operated like a boxer-six engine in a Porsche Carerra, smoothly maneuvering into putting position as if he were parallel-parking a Mini-Cooper. On 18, Ross' aggressive 22-foot birdie attempt sailed past the hole like a senior citizen missing the lefthand turn into the Kroger parking lot. The resulting bogie and Gunnarsson's birdie biased the results like Consumer Reports dinging GM products.

After a litany of automobile metaphors, the pair called it a day with a final toast to acting genius Corey Haim.

-6 Gunnarsson
-2 Ross

Ross holds sparsely attended clinic

2006-04-10T16:48:00.000-07:00

Famed Cincinnati pro disc golfer Ross held a free disc golf clinic sponsored by UHF television station WOBS. Unfortunately, due to a publicity mixup (there wasn't any), the clinic was sparsely attended. The only participants were a dog-walking passerby, her small child, and Ross' mother. Call WOBS if you'd like to attend the next clinic, coming soon to a venue near you.

WOBS will be broadcasting next Saturday from Jim Bob Clamrod's Used Car Jamboree in East Framville (take exit 3 off State Route 48 until you see the strip mall with the feed store, then hang a right and it's behind Jolene's Discount Candle Shoppe).

Timmer dominates Michael Madsen Invitational

2006-04-09T16:50:00.000-07:00

In another stellar performance, Warren Timmer dominated the Michael Madsen Invitational from start to finish. Perfect weather conditions contributed to the scores, a far cry from the previous tourney that sucked several players into a tornadic vortex of howling winds.

Battling a sore knee, Timmer bravely achieved a near-record score. "I don't like to talk about the pain I've been facing recently, but *sniff*, damn, this hurts. Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Owwww. Someone get me an Advil and a Martini, dammit!"

-9 Timmer
-4 Ross

Timmer wins Ricardo Montalban Invitational

2006-04-08T14:57:00.000-07:00

The schizophrenic weather -- heavy gusts of wind followed by absolute stillness and calm -- seemed to rattle the professionals participating in the sixth annual Ricardo Montalban Invitational. Despite an uncharacteristic series of shaky drives, Warren Timmer survived to close out a two-stroke victory.

A triple bogie on five prevented Ross from getting closer than a stroke. He and Gunnarsson battled for second place until 17, where an ugly incident involving a tree, a rabid weasel, and a can of Crisco hamstrung Gunnarsson's efforts. Jay Nadel's unconventional new "battle-ax" throwing style kept him in contention until the back twelve. While he didn't end up in the money, Nadel did find a unique proctological monocle during the round.

Timmer's prize: a 1981 Chrysler Cordoba LS (yes, I said an LS). Fully loaded and plushly appointed with rich Corinthian leather -- the Cordoba was provided by Buck Sawgrass Chrysler-Jeep-Pontiac-Hyundai-Kia (open Sundays, noon 'til six!).

-1 Timmer
+1 Ross
+2 Gunnarsson
+8 Nadel

Timmer dominates Fifth Annual Dennis Rodman Invitational

2006-03-20T16:46:00.000-08:00

Warren Timmer dominated Sunday's fifth annual Dennis Rodman™ Invitational Tournament™ held at Harbin Park. A curiously windless day gave Timmer the impetus to lead from start to finish.

Spectator Mary Jo Jenkins, of East Lansing, Michigan, stated that she now follows Timmer on tour, driving her 38" Winnebago™ Suncruiser™ RV from venue to venue. "I've followed Warren since his comeback from that unbelievable knee injury, which rivaled Willis Reed's return for sheer courage. He's really gutted it out, made no excuses and has just dominated the tour."

In what appears to be a growing trend, "Timmer's Troops" -- the term they use to describe themselves, patterned after "Arnie's Army" -- gather in groups of up to 150 before each match. Tailgaters, disc golf fans, and other revelers fire up grills and crack open beers anticipating another steller performance from their favorite discer.

A cottage industry of Timmer collectibles has arisen, including mugs, bobble-heads, highlight DVDs, disc golf apparel and shoes. Electronic Arts has also announced that its new disc golf videogame -- Timmer DiscGolf 2007 -- will be available in stores in November.

-9 Timmer
-5 Ross

Tanya Harding Invitational Results: Timmer Rules

2006-02-25T14:09:00.000-08:00

In the first annual Tanya Harding Invitational Tournament, Warren Timmer once again erased the record books despite stiff winds and a 18° wind-chill. Wearing his new spandex singlet, which was designed for the 2006 Olympic Luge event but adapted for disc golf, Timmer achieved an 11-stroke victory, a mark never reached during the long and storied history of GLNRSTDGA tournament play.

"I know it sounds weird," Timmer said in an interview on his Gulfstream after the match, "but I could see the wind. I could tell where it was going without having to throw a blade of grass in the air. It was really kind of a neat effect, probably due to the combination of stuff I had to take before the match. I drank half a liter of cough medicine, smoked a couple of Kool Menthols, and took ten Timmer Nutritionals Yohimbe Bark™ caplets (available at TimmerNut.com). That and the 102° fever I was running seemed to do the trick."

Gunnar Gunnarsson protested the finish, asking officials to test Timmer for blood-doping. Gunnarsson was reportedly screaming at officials after the match: "Ask him why he has a blood plasma centrifuge on his plane! Ask him, why doncha!"

Tournament officials did not return our emails by press time.

-9 Timmer
+2 Gunnarsson
+5 Ross

Unsatisfying tie after sudden death expires

2006-01-29T09:50:00.000-08:00

A Ross bogie on 16 set the stage for a dramatic sudden-death playoff Saturday at Harbin Park. Timmer and Ross finished in a tie after a two-hole sudden-death playoff in the annual Timmer Nutritionals Grand-Slam Tournament, brought to you by Timmer Nutritionals, the leader in fitness products for the disc golf industry. Note to editors: insert additional product placement data here

-1 +0 Ross
-1 +0 Timmer
+1 Gunnarsson
+12 Griest

"Lucky-streak" propels Timmer to victory

2006-01-21T23:37:00.000-08:00

An incredible run of 57 "lucky" shots in a row -- or at least that's the story told by his foe Doug Ross -- propelled Warren Timmer to a one-stroke victory at Harbin Park on Saturday. When informed of his opponent's characterization of the victory, Timmer was characteristically blunt.

"That whiny little b**ch ought to shut the h**l up. He's lucky I didn't win every damn hole. Punk."

After the match, as the two rivals entered their respective limousines, a shouting match broke out and the pair had to be restrained by tournament officials. Interviewed on board his Gulfstream V, jetting to a match in the Florida Keys, Timmer was anything but apologetic.

"I'm sick and tired of these guys complaining every time I administer another beat-down. Well, actually, I'd be sick and tired... if not for my nutritional regimen, available now at timmernut.com."

-2 Timmer
-1 Ross

Gunnarsson makes it four sudden-death wins

2006-01-02T16:42:00.000-08:00

Gunnar Gunnarsson continued his streak of sudden death victories, taking advantage of a Warren Timmer meltdown on 18 and then slamming the door shut on 19.

-1 -1 Gunnarsson
-1 +0 Timmer
+0 Ross
+9 Nadel

Timmer walked to the 18th hole with a two-stroke lead. But his skirmish with several trees, a hedge, and a rabid gopher resulted in a catastrophic bogie. Conversely, Gunnarsson followed up a beautiful, midde-of-the-fairway drive with laser-beam second and third shots and thereby hatched a birdie.

Interviewed after the match, Gunnarsson claimed his new cold-weather gloves -- manufactured by Nikey as the "Gunnar B**ch-Slapper 3000s" -- had made all the difference.

"See the wind, rain, cold -- I don't pay it no never mind. Not with my B**ch-Slapper 3000s. S**t."

The victory put Gunnarsson's record in sudden-death matches at 4-0.

Sudden Death Playoff Thrills Gallery at Harbin (Part II)

2005-11-13T16:35:00.000-08:00

With the same result as last time. Gunnarsson, after the match, demanded that tournament organizers modify the Waterford Crystal "Harbin Trophy" to be taller than that of the prior week's match.

+0 -1 Gunnarsson
+0 +0 Ross
+1 -- Levinson

Right-Wing Zealot Squeaks Out Victory

2005-11-06T14:31:00.000-08:00

By Maureen Dowdy, exclusive to the Old York Times

A conservative blowhard and unabashed toady of W, Ross squeaked out a victory Sunday not unlike the manner in which Karl Rove escaped indictment: by the skin of his teeth. In traditional GOP fashion, Ross conspired with an imperialistic headwind to dispose of Gunnarsson on the back-nine. And, like the disastrous policies of the Rumsfeldians, Timmer missed an eight-foot putt on the final hole to gift-wrap the match for Ross.

Typical: only a world that permits the outrageous policies of Gitmo, Abu Graib, and Al Qaqaa would allow Bushie-lovers like Ross to flourish.

-2 Ross
-1 Timmer
+1 Gunnarsson

Timmer burns the record book with a blistering-hot performance

2005-11-06T07:08:00.000-08:00

Warren Timmer erased the record books Saturday at Harbin Park, hitting for a -6 on the front nine and finishing with double digits under par for the day. His spectacular -10 was featured on ESPN 8's SportsCenterOcho and a brief interview explained his performance:

"I really felt good on my drives and follow-up shots today, and everything worked out even after a near meltdown on the 10th. I chalk it up to my new supplement regimen consisting of Specia Yohimbe Bark exclusively available from Timmer Nutritionals [tm]. Visit Timmer Nutritionals online at timmernut.com"

-10 Timmer
-1 Ross

Sunday's Score

2005-10-31T17:46:00.001-08:00

Editor's note: the copywriting for this story was outsourced to an offshore reporting service and has not been produced yet.

Scores from Sunday:

-5 Timmer
-2 Ross
+3 Levinson

Timmer pulverizes pack with record-setting day

2005-10-29T14:22:00.000-07:00

Interspersing trash talk with birdies, Warren Timmer swept to another stunning victory at Harbin Park Saturday. After each birdie, Timmer would break into a Chad Johnson-like "Riverdance" jig, celebrating the moment while mocking his hapless opponents.

Finally, after the finish, Gunnarsson had had enough of Timmer's antics. He rushed Timmer while shouting, "there's only room for one 'bad boy' on the tour and that's me, you bush-league clown!"

Fortunately, Gunnarsson was restrained by caddies and tournament officials, who ushered the animated disc golfer into the clubhouse and plied him into submission with an undisclosed number of Tanq & Tonics.

The incident put a damper on a United Way endorsement video that had been planned for the conclusion of the match. Featuring Timmer and Gunnarsson, the two most popular players on the tour, the commercial was patterned after a decades-old ad starring Magic Johnson and Larry Bird. A United Way spokesman would not comment directly on the incident, noting only that, "the shoot would be rescheduled at a more suitable time."

-7 Timmer
-5 Ross
-4 Gunnarsson

Sudden Death Playoff Thrills Gallery at Harbin Park

2005-10-23T07:41:00.000-07:00

A bizarre sequence of events at thirteen and fourteen set the stage for another classic match between Gunnarsson and Ross. Tied headed to thirteen, Gunnarsson drove the long par four within sixty feet of the hole. Then, with thousands watching, he hit the eagle shot, sending the gallery into hysterics. Fireworks were lit, tailgate parties went into full swing, and the scrolling news ticker in Times Square relayed the news.

But the two-stroke swing -- Ross managed par on the hole -- only lasted a few seconds. On fourteen, Ross nailed a birdie and Gunnarsson bogied, resulting in yet another two-stroke swing and a tie.

The match ended in sudden death and a playoff hole (number 10). Both players drove into trees, but Gunnarsson was able to stretch through the underbrush sufficiently to get clear with his second shot. He was able to salvage par. Ross' drive had landed under a tree, completely blocking access to the hole. His second shot did not clear the treeline, resulting in a match-ending bogie.

+1 +0 Gunnarsson
+1 +1 Ross

Ross claims rare victory

2005-10-16T16:07:00.000-07:00

Dominating from the first hole to the last, Ross beat Timmer Sunday at Harbin park by four strokes. Playing the traditional back nine first, Ross had streaked to an early lead -3 to -1 lead. Despite missing several putts on the traditional front nine (two in a row hit the basket only to rim out), Ross maintained his composure despite Timmer's traditional 'psychological warfare' efforts:

"The wind is getting worse, do you feel it?"
"This is the same putt you missed yesterday, but there's no pressure."
"If you were able to hang on, this would be the first time you've ever beaten me."

After six or seven holes of similar patter, Ross was able to tune out the increasingly whiny Timmer and capture the crown. Following the match, Timmer drove off angrily in his Porsche Carerra GT2 without speaking to the press.

-4 Ross
+0 Timmer

Timmer and Wind Demolish the Pack

2005-10-16T06:42:00.000-07:00

Harbin Park was windswept and Warren-swept Saturday, as Warren Timmer rolled to a dominating victory. A series of birdies propelled him to a four-stroke victory. At the turn, he had a five-stroke lead (-5 to even) and was able to maintain par over the back-nine, despite southpaw-oriented holes and nasty cross-winds on 10, 11, and 12.

Timmer, known for his brash remarks, was talking trash on the final hole: "You know, I could hit that tree over there three times in a row -- on purpose -- and still win. B*tches."

Heading to 16, Timmer stood at -6 and had a chance to finish with a career-best -7. But he was satisfied with his overall performance, noting, "I'm really getting some of the kinks worked out in my left-to-right game. And I'm throwing the disc really well on right-to-left holes."

Gunnarsson was disappointed in his performance, which included six instances of tattooing the basket without converting. In the clubhouse, he was upbeat, "It's just one day. I'll be back. And those sorry losers will wish they had never been born."

-5 Timmer
-1 Ross
+8 Gunnarsson

Timmer Linked to Balco, Suspension May Loom

2005-10-03T18:16:00.000-07:00

The Cincinnati Disc Golf community was rocked Monday by allegations that Warren Timmer had been seen visiting Balco Laboratories prior to his weekend victory. Balco, infamous for its designer steroids and pro-athlete customers, had never before been linked to a disc golf professional. A photo, surreptitiously taken at the scene over the weekend, show Timmer and Barry Bonds exiting Balco's front-doors together.

Timmer claimed the whole episode was, "nothing but a frame-up." In a press conference late Monday, he noted, "like so much that is reported on the tawdry, tabloid 'Cincinnati Disc Golf Blog', this is simply a figment of the author's imagination." As for the photos, "Even a cursory glance shows that this is nothing but a crappy Photoshop. The shadows on me are the opposite direction of the shadows on Bonds. Plus, it's a picture from when I was in high school."

The editors of this publication were unavailable for comment at press time. The author of the article stated, "It's obvious the allegations are true. How else could a man hurl the disc that distance on one leg, for heaven's sake?"

Commissioner Gerald P. Smith noted that all allegations will be investigated. "We have the utmost respect for Mr. Timmer, but the fact that he verbally assaulted several other disc golfers during the last tournament may indeed point to a 'roid rage' incident. Or at very least, a surly temper."

Smith noted that Timmer will receive his full tournament paycheck until the results of the investigation are released, which may occur sometime in 2009.

-2 Timmer
-1 Ross

Latest Scores...

2005-09-22T06:37:00.000-07:00

Scores from the past several weeks:

Sunday 9/18/2005
-1 Ross
+0 Levinson

Saturday 9/17/2005
-2 Ross
+4 Levinson

Saturday 9/10/2005
Timmer -3
Ross +1

Gunnarsson to Timmer and Ross: You Suck

2005-09-10T15:21:00.000-07:00

The 'Dennis Rodman' of disc golf exploded to a lead on thirteen and didn't relinquish his grip on the throat of Warren Timmer. Gunnar Gunnarsson, who had been trailing by a stroke much of the day, outdrove the pack on 13 and birdied the long par-four hole. Timmer, in the midst of a comeback from a catastrophic knee injury, bogied the hole and went from a stroke up to a stroke down. He was never able to recover.

The controversial Gunnarsson was anything but magnanimous after the match, stating, "They suck. They both just suck and are not worthy of playing on the same course as Gunnar. Gunnar knows best, beyatch."

In interviews and press conferences, Gunnarsson has begun referring to himself in the third person and demands tour organizers provide only blue M&M's and Evian water in the clubhouse following each match. And organizers oblige, knowing the huge television ratings and advertising dollars the firebrand disc golfer brings to bear.

The flamboyant Gunnarsson has, thus far, skirted fines by the Commissioner's office despite his theatrics that some have termed, "not fit for younger viewers." But NBC, which has exclusive rights to GLNRSTDGA disc golf, has declined to comment. NBC spokesman Brett Taylor noted only that Gunnarsson, "has attracted a desirable demographic profile to the broadcasts."

In the mean time, Gunnarsson is cutting a swath through the league and raising the hackles of his opponents with cutting remarks and a fast, accurate style of play. "They better get used to getting their ***es kicked," he noted after Saturday's match, "because that was just too easy. Too easy. Beyotch."

-4 Gunnarsson
-3 Timmer
+2 Ross

Timmer Comeback Stuns Gallery

2005-09-10T15:00:00.000-07:00

His long road back to regular play one step closer, Warren Timmer regaled a crowd at the 19th hole with the tale of his astounding performance. Finishing five strokes under, Timmer displayed exceptional control while limiting his runup to the tee on drives to protect his knee. A series of three successive birdies on the front nine stunned the gallery and many started chanting, "Tim-mer, Tim-mer, Tim-mer."

A female streaker interrupted proceedings momentarily on the tenth hole, but Timmer was nonplussed. "Groupies are a way of life," he said, "there's really nothing I can do about it, so I take it all in stride."

-5 Timmer
-2 Ross

Nadel, Levinson Cited by US Park Service After Match

2005-09-05T06:41:00.000-07:00

Officials from the United States Park Service cited Levinson and Nadel Sunday for a variety of damaging incidents related to their disc golf match at Mt. Airy Park. The pair used a machete, a chainsaw, and -- at times -- a weed-whacker to cut through the thick foliage to locate their discs.

"We saw less damage to the park by the swarm of locusts that overran the area on '59," said Roger Crane, a senior Park Ranger, "these guys cut a swatch of destruction through the forest that will take some time to heal."

Attorneys for the two indicated that the charges were overblown. Carleton Sheets, an associate with the well-known firm of Dewey, Cheatham & Howe insisted that their actions were well within the rules. "My clients have read the rule-book extensively and have not found any specific language banning the equipment they used. In fact, because they filed an Environmental Impact Statement prior to the match, they could also have used a flamethrower, if needed."

After a series of lead changes, Gunnarsson and Ross arrived at the 18th tee tied. A well-positioned third shot allowed Gunnarsson to nail a putt to maintain par. Ross missed his long par putt and bogied the hole. Thus, despite hitting a sixty-five foot birdie putt on 16, Ross had failed to take advantage. The final standings read:

+7 Gunnarsson
+8 Ross
+14 Levinson
+18 Nadel

Gunnarsson Sweeps to Title as Levinson Self-Destructs

2005-08-29T03:20:00.000-07:00

It wasn't the best day for the trio at Harbin Park, but Gunnar Gunnarsson was able to maintain a lead over the last few holes and solidify his three-stroke victory. The final standings read:

-2 Gunnarsson
+1 Ross
+6 Levinson

In the midst of the back nine, Levinson unravelled like a roll of toilet-paper hurled at eighty miles an hour. A disastrous trifecta of bogies -- two double-bogies and a single in succession -- ended Levinson's run. In the process, Levinson hit four trees, two large bushes, a small dog and also felled a bird.

Gunnarsson narrowly avoided injury on 18 while pitching from the tree-line. During the throw, his foot became tangled in a tree-root, and the golfer fell to the ground yelling. Fortunately, there was no injury and Gunnarsson turned out to be screaming at his caddy for not warning him about the lie.

"I want that tree root removed, now!" Gunnarsson insisted, while being physically separated from his caddy. Park officials indicated that they would remove the root because the golfer attracts such large galleries to the event.

The controversial Gunnarsson is slated to be featured in a "Behind the Glory" episode on ESPN-8 sometime in 2006.

Levinson, Ross battle to a windy draw

2005-08-21T17:10:00.000-07:00

The much-anticipated Levinson and Ross matchup ended with an unsatisfying draw at Harbin Park on Sunday. Ross birdied the 600-foot, par 5 18th to draw even with Levinson, who had maintained a two-stroke lead as late as the 16th hole. As the pair walked to the 16th, Levinson stood at even-par while Ross followed at two-strokes over.

The wind was extremely disconcerting over the front nine, as it swirled about the course's dominant feature - the Fairfield water tower. In the maelstrom, some observers in the gallery spotted a house, a witch on a bicycle, and miscellaneous tumbleweed swirling in the milieu. Other observers were merrily flying kites, altogether unconcerned with the "great windstorm of 2005" as well as the cataclysmic disc golf game unfolding before their very eyes.

After the match, a despondent Levinson expressed regret. "I should have kicked the door shut on 16 and been a little more conservative. Instead, I got caught up in the moment and really tried to go for it, which I didn't need to do. My coach (Silverman) wasn't able to be here today and he usually has some good advice for me, like 'keep my head down', and 'try not to throw it over there, idiot!'. I really missed having him here to work the strategy side."

Ross noted that his team of advisors was also absent. "My agents -- the firm of Lipps, Maines and Reed -- couldn't be here today and I was pretty much without my biggest cheering section. They claimed that they had 'other things to do', but the least I would expect is that they show up, especially with the hefty percentage of each purse they collect. It might be time to re-evaluate my management team."

A spokesperson at LM&R did not return calls at press time.

"I pounded him flatter than... aluminum foil..."

2005-08-13T15:12:00.000-07:00

It was a hot day in Cincinnati Saturday and Gunnar Gunnarsson was even hotter. While temperatures hovered near the century mark, Gunnarsson exploded over the back nine and left Ross in the dust at Harbin Park. Gunnarsson finished an impressive 4 under with Ross six strokes back at 2 over. A series of four birdies in six holes, culminating with an impressive fifteen-foot putt on 18, put the finishing touches on one of Gunnarsson's best outings.

The flamboyant Gunnarsson, who has become something of a Charles Barkley-like figure in the world of disc golf, was exuberant in the press conference following the match.

"I pounded him flatter than a sheet of aluminum foil under Michael Moore's mattress," the self-proclaimed "bad boy" of disc golf stated. "I was hoping not only to demoralize and humiliate him, but to use my 'shock and awe' drives off the tee to destroy his will to live. It looks like I succeeded."

Later a reporter asked Gunnarsson about his reputation as the "bad boy" of disc golf and whether children who watched on television might imitate his raucous behavior. Gunnarsson exploded, "I'm not a f***ing role model, get it, dumbs**t? You a*****es make me sick." and stormed out of the room.

Silverman Loses Disc, Recovers to Finish 4 Over

2005-08-07T15:45:00.000-07:00

Ross Rookie Card (Topps)

It came down to the wire, but Silverman and Nadel couldn't hold on Sunday as Ross recovered from a double-bogie start on the first hole and gradually made up ground as the day wound down.

The gallery erupted in a roar as Silverman started off on fire, quickly breaking to a two-stroke lead. But by the 15th hole, he'd lost his trusty Beast disc, which was lodged forty feet off the ground, the product of a toss that could only be termed "spastic."

Fortunately, Silverman had found another disc earlier, albeit a somewhat damaged one, and was able to replace his beloved Beast.

The final standings read:

+0 Ross
+4 Silverman
+6 Nadel

Silverman was upset with himself for losing his Beast. "I really lost control of that drive, but it's all good. I was able to recover and give that whiny SOB a battle. Next time...," he muttered, "next time, he better watch his back."

Hilda Burton, of West Chester, Ohio, was in the gallery following Nadel. "He's so much fun to watch, what with the gesticulations and cursing, but he really outdid himself today. His pirouette on 17 was a one-of-a-kind combination of ballet and hammer throw."

"A Dark Day for the Sport of Disc Golf"

2005-08-06T15:33:00.000-07:00

The Cincinnati disc golf world world was rocked Saturday when an unsanctioned event -- held by an upstart organization -- overran the course at Harbin Park. Judge Gerald P. Smith (pictured), commissioner of the GLNRSTDGA (Gunnarsson Levinson Nadel Ross Silverman Timmer Disc Golf Assocation), issued a statement late today, which was broadcast on ESPN-8 ("The Ocho"):

"It is indeed a dark day for the sport of disc golf when an unknown, unaffiliated organization can lay claim to an arbitrary public course. Any association with even a modicum of knowledge would have contacted the GLNRSTDGA (pronounced: Glunnerstadga) prior to arranging this unsanctioned event.

Let there be no mistake about it: when it comes to Cincinnati, our association is small in number, but large in stature. Only we are capable of sanctioning disc golf events in this town. And we intend to seek redress, in court, if this happens again."

Using a hastily rearranged course, Gunnarsson and Ross squared off in another of their classic matches. A large gallery numbering well over twelve braved the sunny, yet strangely misty, weather. Despite the threat of rain and a wet course, Gunnarsson quickly broke out to a three stroke lead over the first six holes (-1 to +2). But as the day wore on, Gunnarsson's disc transformed itself into the proverbial tree magnet, making hard shots the norm for a player unused to losing control.

Fourth hole at Harbin Park

On the final hole, the massive 725-foot par five that is traditionally played as the fourth, Ross nailed a fifteen-foot putt to salvage par. The final totals left Ross at one over and Gunnarsson at three over.

It was an interesting end to a day that almost never got started. Ross and Gunnarsson were waiting on the first tee when a hippie ran up to them.

"Dude, don't you know it's a sanctioned event that's occurring? That's why you see all of these guys with disc golf carts (Ed: no, I'm not kidding). This is a city-wide event."

Ross and Gunnarsson expressed skepticism by continuing to play. They noted that these "disc golfers" were violating many, if not all, of the simple rules of GLNRSTDGA:

1) More than a couple of discs: not allowed. If you can't play with one or two discs, don't bother. This ain't real golf, Malibu Ken, it's freaking disc golf.
2) Bags: not allowed. If you can't carry the one or two discs that are permitted by the rule-book, don't bother.
3) Carts: definitely not allowed. This isn't real golf, get it, Sienna? The whole point of disc golf is that it should take an hour to an hour-and-a-half, max. If we wanted to wait three hours to play, we'd go to a real golf course.
4) Shot-clock: once it's your turn, if you take more than fifteen seconds to throw a disc you're penalized a stroke. Don't dilly-dally, Sunshine.
5) Smoking: uhmm, anyone caught smoking on the course is automatically warned that their head can be used as a putting green at any time.
6) Throwing things on the ground between shots: discouraged. If you can't carry everything you need, including while throwing your disc, you're not travelling light enough. It's all about speed, Tucker.

Please follow the official rules from now on and always remember to contact the GLNRSTDGA Commissioner's office if you would like to check scheduling or have an event sanctioned by the governing body.

Ross Gains Revenge, Takes July Foursome Title

2005-07-31T14:58:00.000-07:00

Ross gained revenge after last week's ignominious collapse against Gunnar Gunnarsson. The standings at the end of the day showed:

-3 Ross
-2 Gunnarsson
-1 Levinson
+3 M. Silverman

The gallery roared on the 18th when Gunnarsson hit a ten-foot birdie to put pressure on Ross. If Ross missed his birdie putt, a tie would result. However, Ross was able to focus -- despite gravel being thrown at him by Gunnarsson, which may have violated several disc golf ethics rules -- and hit the eight-footer.

Jeff Levinson roared back into contention on the back nine after a rough start, while Silverman couldn't gain any consistency all day. A series of good shots would be followed by poor ones, which prevented him from gaining any momentum.

Timmer remains on injured-reserve, while J. Nadel was on "honey-do reserve."

Ross Collapse Propels Gunnarsson to Victory

2005-07-24T14:48:00.000-07:00

Gunnar Gunnarsson waited until the seventeenth hole to tie and then overtook Ross on the eigthteenth to win a highly anticipated rematch at Harbin Park. Stunned observers likened Ross' collapse to Greg Norman's miseries at the Masters. Walking to the 17th tee, Ross was 2 under while Gunnarsson stood at 1 under. A Ross bogie on 17 allowed Gunnarsson to tie.

On the 18th, a short par five, a beautiful left-to-right drive by the southpaw Gunnarsson overwhelmed Ross' drive which edged to the left rough. Gunnarsson ended up birdying 18, hitting a beautiful 12 foot putt. To annoying chants of "Noonan... miss it... Nooooooonan...," Ross missed a birdie putt that would have sent the match to sudden death. The par put Ross at 1 under and Gunnarsson at 2 under.

The historic match was viewed by an unprecedented gallery estimated by some observers at over 3,000, although some of those observers may have been drinking heavily. Edna Wilkins of Amelia, Ohio, said she was 'hooked' on the sport.

"That finish was unbelievable. I've never watched a sport with more adrenaline-filled, pulse-pounding action before. It's kind of like watching Anna Nicole Smith at the Video Music Awards. You just can't predict what will happen."

Gunnarsson was unavailable for comment but was heard muttering, "I kicked his butt... I kicked his butt..." over and over again as he walked away from reporters.

Timmer Injured

2005-07-17T14:43:00.000-07:00

The Cincinnati Frisbee Golf world was rocked when Warren Timmer suffered a catastrophic knee injury on the 3rd tee at Harbin Park. The tee pad, which apparently hadn't been cleaned off since the fifties, caused Timmer to slide off the pad. After the slide, Timmer collapsed, shouting for his Mama. Or something like that, because it was hard to understand, what with the interspersed obscenities. Nonetheless, after a visit to the ER, Timmer vowed to be back.

"I was really throwing the disc well this summer and it just figured that I'd suffer a freak injury like this. Do you think the "attacked-by-ninjas" story will play?"

Count this observer among those who think Timmer will be back among the elites after surgery and a rehab. The sport deserves nothing less.