Monday, October 31, 2005

 

Sunday's Score

Editor's note: the copywriting for this story was outsourced to an offshore reporting service and has not been produced yet.

Scores from Sunday:

-5 Timmer
-2 Ross
+3 Levinson

Saturday, October 29, 2005

 

Timmer pulverizes pack with record-setting day

Interspersing trash talk with birdies, Warren Timmer swept to another stunning victory at Harbin Park Saturday. After each birdie, Timmer would break into a Chad Johnson-like "Riverdance" jig, celebrating the moment while mocking his hapless opponents.

Finally, after the finish, Gunnarsson had had enough of Timmer's antics. He rushed Timmer while shouting, "there's only room for one 'bad boy' on the tour and that's me, you bush-league clown!"

Fortunately, Gunnarsson was restrained by caddies and tournament officials, who ushered the animated disc golfer into the clubhouse and plied him into submission with an undisclosed number of Tanq & Tonics.

The incident put a damper on a United Way endorsement video that had been planned for the conclusion of the match. Featuring Timmer and Gunnarsson, the two most popular players on the tour, the commercial was patterned after a decades-old ad starring Magic Johnson and Larry Bird. A United Way spokesman would not comment directly on the incident, noting only that, "the shoot would be rescheduled at a more suitable time."

-7 Timmer
-5 Ross
-4 Gunnarsson

Sunday, October 23, 2005

 

Sudden Death Playoff Thrills Gallery at Harbin Park

A bizarre sequence of events at thirteen and fourteen set the stage for another classic match between Gunnarsson and Ross. Tied headed to thirteen, Gunnarsson drove the long par four within sixty feet of the hole. Then, with thousands watching, he hit the eagle shot, sending the gallery into hysterics. Fireworks were lit, tailgate parties went into full swing, and the scrolling news ticker in Times Square relayed the news.

But the two-stroke swing -- Ross managed par on the hole -- only lasted a few seconds. On fourteen, Ross nailed a birdie and Gunnarsson bogied, resulting in yet another two-stroke swing and a tie.

The match ended in sudden death and a playoff hole (number 10). Both players drove into trees, but Gunnarsson was able to stretch through the underbrush sufficiently to get clear with his second shot. He was able to salvage par. Ross' drive had landed under a tree, completely blocking access to the hole. His second shot did not clear the treeline, resulting in a match-ending bogie.

+1 +0 Gunnarsson
+1 +1 Ross

Sunday, October 16, 2005

 

Ross claims rare victory

Dominating from the first hole to the last, Ross beat Timmer Sunday at Harbin park by four strokes. Playing the traditional back nine first, Ross had streaked to an early lead -3 to -1 lead. Despite missing several putts on the traditional front nine (two in a row hit the basket only to rim out), Ross maintained his composure despite Timmer's traditional 'psychological warfare' efforts:

"The wind is getting worse, do you feel it?"
"This is the same putt you missed yesterday, but there's no pressure."
"If you were able to hang on, this would be the first time you've ever beaten me."

After six or seven holes of similar patter, Ross was able to tune out the increasingly whiny Timmer and capture the crown. Following the match, Timmer drove off angrily in his Porsche Carerra GT2 without speaking to the press.

-4 Ross
+0 Timmer

 

Timmer and Wind Demolish the Pack

Harbin Park was windswept and Warren-swept Saturday, as Warren Timmer rolled to a dominating victory. A series of birdies propelled him to a four-stroke victory. At the turn, he had a five-stroke lead (-5 to even) and was able to maintain par over the back-nine, despite southpaw-oriented holes and nasty cross-winds on 10, 11, and 12.

Timmer, known for his brash remarks, was talking trash on the final hole: "You know, I could hit that tree over there three times in a row -- on purpose -- and still win. B*tches."

Heading to 16, Timmer stood at -6 and had a chance to finish with a career-best -7. But he was satisfied with his overall performance, noting, "I'm really getting some of the kinks worked out in my left-to-right game. And I'm throwing the disc really well on right-to-left holes."

Gunnarsson was disappointed in his performance, which included six instances of tattooing the basket without converting. In the clubhouse, he was upbeat, "It's just one day. I'll be back. And those sorry losers will wish they had never been born."

-5 Timmer
-1 Ross
+8 Gunnarsson

Monday, October 03, 2005

 

Timmer Linked to Balco, Suspension May Loom

The Cincinnati Disc Golf community was rocked Monday by allegations that Warren Timmer had been seen visiting Balco Laboratories prior to his weekend victory. Balco, infamous for its designer steroids and pro-athlete customers, had never before been linked to a disc golf professional. A photo, surreptitiously taken at the scene over the weekend, show Timmer and Barry Bonds exiting Balco's front-doors together.

Timmer claimed the whole episode was, "nothing but a frame-up." In a press conference late Monday, he noted, "like so much that is reported on the tawdry, tabloid 'Cincinnati Disc Golf Blog', this is simply a figment of the author's imagination." As for the photos, "Even a cursory glance shows that this is nothing but a crappy Photoshop. The shadows on me are the opposite direction of the shadows on Bonds. Plus, it's a picture from when I was in high school."

The editors of this publication were unavailable for comment at press time. The author of the article stated, "It's obvious the allegations are true. How else could a man hurl the disc that distance on one leg, for heaven's sake?"

Commissioner Gerald P. Smith noted that all allegations will be investigated. "We have the utmost respect for Mr. Timmer, but the fact that he verbally assaulted several other disc golfers during the last tournament may indeed point to a 'roid rage' incident. Or at very least, a surly temper."

Smith noted that Timmer will receive his full tournament paycheck until the results of the investigation are released, which may occur sometime in 2009.

-2 Timmer
-1 Ross

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